A Sense of Senselessness, But Only a Sense

In a very short period of time, one can lose more than one has ever imagined losing. It can come hard and go quite easily, leaving one with the feeling of having let it all slip through the fingers. Investing one's life - time, energy and resources - in building up that grand facade, that attractive amalgamation of what so many would call the the fruits of labor, would seem folly to the simple man, if only he were that simple.

To say his simplicity lies in a desire for nothing more than simple things, is a very simplistic way of looking at him as he languishes in exile. What he desires is generally not known to you because he doesn't have a voice to inform you of it; give him a voice and his declaration of what it is he truly wishes for will thunder across the chasm that separates you. Lay down a bridge across that divide and soon he will be at your doorstep, not in the most agreeable of moods.

It's not that you were wrong to want so much, to create a virtual world of endless comforts and amusements; surely, it's not that you walked across fields of bones to get to the gates of that great city.

So, how did it come to this?...

I Am, I Will: Part 1

If you're an adult and you think you're the same person now that you were at the age of eight years old, one of the following is true:

1. You are a delusional person who actually feels like he/she is experiencing life from the standpoint of an eight-year-old child,
2. somehow your inner subjective experience was mysteriously put on hold at the age of eight and has just been reactivated, or
3. your notion of 'the self' includes the notion of enduring personal identity.

A rational person would assume 1 and 2 are not true, with 1 being possible but highly unlikely, and 2 being seemingly impossible, which leaves 3 as the only viable option. Now, by viable, it is meant here that it is most likely true that this is the way you think about yourself and your continuing experience.

However, by being an entity with an ongoing inner subjective experience, one is constantly being bombarded mentally by sensory experiences which challenge beliefs, give rise to a greater understanding of the world, and shape ways of thinking about it and our interactions with it. If you can at all remember what it was like for you to be an eight-year-old, how much of what you experience these days gives you the sense of what it was like to hold the attitudes, beliefs, and desires you held back then? Some of those attitudes, beliefs and desires must have persisted, but what percent of your inner subjective experience these days is like the inner subjective experience of the eight-year-old you? If you're honest, I suspect you'll answer, Very little.

The way experiences with the world create enduring impressions in one's mind (which endure as long as the mind of the subject of experience hasn't been degraded somehow) leads to a propensity for creating a narrative, a fiction of the mind that allows one to believe that all those experiences are connected in some meaningful way that shapes the experiencer, indeed defines the experiencer. Yet, we know that new experiences change ways of thinking brought about by previous experiences. Sometimes we undergo such profound changes in thinking that we end up holding negative attitudes toward those experiences which led to beliefs and patterns of thoughts we now eschew. Are we to think of such experiences as bad? Are we to think we were mistaken to have let them inform our thinking in the ways that they did? Or, should we accept all experiences as motivators for change within, to help us learn and grow? Do changes in thinking brought on by experience necessarily foster growth? Whether the succession of experiences we undergo has a fundamental cause or is pure randomness, we don't know.

All of your experiences change your beliefs and attitudes toward different people, places, things and ideas. New experiences are happening right now, to you, an entity which holds beliefs and attitudes toward different people, places, things and ideas that it didn't hold years before. This entity we call 'the self', what is it?

What are you right now? You are a momentary expression of an ever-changing unity of mental states, such as beliefs, thoughts, desires, perceptions, and imaginings. Right now, you are the one who knows what it's like to be you at this moment. And what it's like to be you now is certainly not what it was like to be you when you were eight years old.

What it's like to be you now is not what it was like to be you before.

Yet, we hold on to the past and remain fascinated by our own personal stories.

What vain creatures we are.