Coalescence

That one piece missing from the region down in the bottom right corner, you're sure that's it.

And it is. And you press it home.

Thinking for sure that you'd lost it, you breathe a little easier.

And then, your breath catches in your throat. That one piece, put into its proper place, makes the overall image clearer than you could have imagined...

Another portal to the past opened. Such time travel has been known to you since the beginning. Since that time when a large-enough accretion of your sensory experiences allowed you to think for the first time, Here I am...

Before that, there was the laying of the foundation. Try as you will to see into that period of the past, it remains hidden from view.

Here I am.

But, who are YOU?

"...According to this line of criticism, the sense of self is an evolutionary artifact, which saves time in the circumstances it evolved for. But sense of self breaks down when considering some events such as memory loss, split personality disorder, brain damage, brainwashing, and various thought experiments. When presented with imperfections in the intuitive sense of self and the consequences to this concept which rely on the strict concept of self, a tendency to mend the concept occurs, possibly because of cognitive dissonance." [source]

Looking back down at the puzzle, you become aware of another missing key piece. The collection of unplaced pieces seems to have grown, and somehow you're almost convinced that that key piece isn't to be found within it. Maybe the cat ran off with it...

Is there any lemonade left in the fridge?

The Eternal Tangent

"What happened to you?"

*laughs
"I guess you think I'm weird, and if you're asking that question, then you think I acknowledge my own weirdness."

"Sorry, I don't want to say you're weird,..."

"Some people just look too long into the abyss, you know."

"Come on, speak to me like I'm an idiot here; I don't want to misunderstand anything."

"It's not that hard to understand... Look, everyone knows the poem about the road not taken, right? I mean, you know it, I'm sure of that."

"I know it."

"Well, if you go off the beaten path and travel too far, for too long... there's a good chance you're not going to make it back. Maybe you forgot how to get back. Maybe you don't want to go back... Maybe you don't even remember what "back there" is."

"So, you're saying you lost your way somehow?"

"No... No, I'm not saying that. I'm saying I'm one of those who don't want to go back. My eyes are wide open, brother."

"..."

"Look, lots of people go on a journey of self discovery, and at some point, maybe because they didn't like what they learned, or maybe because they didn't learn anything at all,... they just give up and go back to being the same old cunts they always were. I guess most people who embark on such a journey end up that way."

"So, you're saying you've reached some point of enlightenment?"

"I believe there are two rules everyone should follow...

1. Know thyself, and
2. To thine own self be true.

Most people think they've accomplished rule number one and just go about following rule number two. Most of the time, anyway...
But, those who really accomplish number one are few and far between. Many come close, but when they see themselves for what they are, it scares the shit out of them, and they end up denying it."

"So, you're one of the few who actually figured himself out, and the rest of us are just walking around blind?"

"I wouldn't say 'blind'... self delusional, yes. We spend so much time focusing on the self. Through years of accretion of sensory experiences, we have come to the conclusion that each and every one of us is somebody, when in fact, each of us is actually nobody. Of course, most people would deny that with every fiber of their being and go on following the programming."

"So, then what's the point? Why bother?"

"A kid doesn't turn down a trip to Disneyland just because it'll be over eight hours after it gets started. I enjoy falling asleep in a kayak on a calm lake on a summer day. I enjoy sexual experiences, I..."

"OK, I get it. Is there any Scotch left in that bottle?"

"Not much, but I've got another in the cupboard."

"You better get it out then..."

Resolving Image Focus

It moved across the open space with unimpressive speed and he knew he would have it. As he closed in, a deep shadow appeared ahead and threatened to take it from him. As it scrambled for the blackness, he became aware of how shiny its black back was and with his peripheral vision, through a hole in the wall, he could see a few rays breaking through the clouds.

He balled up the towel and hurled it forward. It spread open as it dropped, falling right onto the cockroach and bringing its desperate plight to an end.

Thirty seconds later, it was back in the glass. They sat outside together until the daylight hours came to a close.

I suppose you're feeling quite satisfied right now.

I feel alright.

You've had that one for quite awhile now. Longer than usual.

There'll be others.

Sure. Well, probably...

...

Haven't you had enough of this?

What would you do without me?

...

He awoke some hours later in complete blackness. Nothing to be seen and no way to make it visible. But, it was there and without much fumbling, he put his hand around the glass and picked it up. He gave it a little shake and put it to his ear. From inside, the sound of little shuffling feet. He put it back down and before long he returned to his dreams.

When he next opened his eyes, there was enough light in the room to see the glass. It lay inside on its back. He picked the glass up and softly shook it knowing that the waves of doubt would soon be washing over him again.

A rare sigh passed his lips.

You're On In Five Minutes...

"You look nervous."

"I am. A little. Any last words of encouragement before I go out that door and embarrass myself?"

"Well, I assume you've done all the necessary preparations and..."

"I don't know about all of them."

"Alright then, what I mean is, I guess you've done your best to get ready for this."

"I'd like to think I have, but I must admit, I did lose my focus from time to time."

"Everyone does. Anyway, you're as ready as you're ever going to be."

"Ever?"

(smiles slightly) "It's time..."

She remembers the two rules. She remembers writing them down every day for months until she was sure she'd never forget them. And, she never did. Never forgot.

But, she did ignore them from time to time.

1. Know thyself
2. To thine own self be true

The door opens and she knows that it was never about the great wide world, the universe, the social interactions... 

Through the door she carries all she ever needed. All that ever mattered.

She goes through naked and alone.

She goes through ready.

You’ve been giving up things for years to get here. I dont think I even understood that. How does a man decide in what order to abandon his life?

Last passage from No Country For Old Men by Cormac McCarthy

The nth Iteration

“It's a life's work to see yourself for what you really are and even then you might be wrong. And that is something I don't want to be wrong about.”

Every day brings another chance to nail it down, to get it right. And when it's clear that you've veered too far off course, or that the wheels have come off of the wagon, tomorrow brings another chance to redefine yourself completely.

Or does it?...

“You think when you wake up in the mornin' yesterday don't count. But yesterday is all that does count. What else is there? Your life is made out of the days it's made out of. Nothin' else. You might think you could run away and change your name and I don't know what all. Start over. And then one mornin' you wake up and look at the ceilin' and guess who's layin' there?”

No matter how much forgetting you do, or think you've been able to do, there come those times, maybe in the middle of the night after waking from a deep sleep, or maybe during a break at work when you've allowed your mind to wander, when forward movement all but stops and momentum brings that trail of debris you've been dragging behind you forth and slaps you right in the back with it. And that either lays you out flat or knocks you forward, getting you moving again.

Drag it behind you long enough, and eventually it will wear down, surface layers rubbed off and replaced by slightly less unattractive ones. Gone from your view, but rubbed onto the road. And you're not the only one who has traveled that road, nor is it closed to future travelers. Maybe those future travelers can trace the remnants back to you, maybe they can't. But, either way you slice it, you've been sloppy.

Do sons deserve to bear the sins of their fathers?

"Deserve's got nothin' to do with it..."

There's always going to be a reckoning.

1st two quotes from "No Country For Old Men" by Cormac McCarthy
3rd quote from the film "Unforgiven"

Do I Know You?

In another life, I had a wife, a house and a neurotic dog.

Journeys across the cerebral cortex reveal real connections between the present and the past, but travels back in time always see me entering the life of a different person. Surely, that person must be dead now. It's clear that some part of him was preserved and transported into the future and now occupies a small region of my consciousness. However, control is never an issue and he remains a guest doomed to roam the hallways and corridors only to poke his head out once in awhile from the shadows to remind me of various things. Particularly, of the consequences. Always with the consequences.

It's unbalanced. We can travel back in time and witness and feel, but we can never interact with the past. Yet, our past selves travel to the future all the time and have a direct influence on our present. In fact, if we're to grow as people, we require this. Some of us have found ways to close those portals, but most have to live with the connections.

As for me... lately I've been a bit obsessed with looking back through time and wondering if I didn't just arrive here in the present in some unexplainable fashion, as if there's a disconnect back there somewhere. I see that guy with the wife, the house and the neurotic dog...

But, I don't think we know each other.