Let Me Guess What's On Your Mind

Everyone has an innate desire to feel special, a need to build self-esteem, which is likely part of the built-in need to thrive. There's a certain level of self-satisfaction that comes with a sense of belonging, of being a recognized member of the in-group. Sometimes the recognition comes from others in the group who heap praise on us for some good deed or another. Sometimes it comes from a rubber stamp; 'Congratulations, you're now an official member of the XXXX Fan Club! Enclosed you'll find your certificate of membership and a courtesy bumper sticker.' And, in one of the most important cases, your membership to a club is granted by virtue of being born; it's interesting to think that something one had no control over could instill in one such a swollen sense of pride.

We all seek acceptance. It validates our existence, makes us feel important. Building good personal relationships is one of the main ways we gain the needed acceptance. And, just as the need to feel special is inborn, it seems that the ability to empathize is as well. What better tool to have than one which allows us to slip into someone else's mind, find an itch that needs to be scratched, and then offer some relief, thereby gaining a measure of positive recognition from that other. Such manipulation is managed even by the very young...

Yet, there’s evidence that infants will favor altruistic behavior around strangers as long as they don’t feel threatened by them. This is interesting in that it could show the innateness of empathy. In one study, for example, half of toddlers tested spontaneously got up and opened a door for a stranger who was trying to open it but was unable to manage it due to having both arms full. Somehow, these toddlers recognized not only what the stranger wanted to do, but also that the stranger would likely react in a favorable way toward a person who helped him to do it. It’s also interesting to consider that the toddlers likely recognized that by pleasing the stranger, they would be accepted by him, leading to a feeling of increased self-importance. So, it would seem that altruistic behavior is conducive to fostering self-esteem, but not because we feel good about ourselves for having done something perceived by us to be good, but because it is perceived by others to be good, which should lead to their approval of us if they were to be made aware of our ‘good’ behavior.*

And, with this, we can begin a discussion on moral development.

*Excerpted from the book I'm currently working on